Many women find that their libidos take a bit of a hit after they have a baby. This is partly due to breastfeeding, which can boost oxytocin and increase sexual arousal.
Julie* thought her husband would want to have sex after six weeks, but it took him a year. She recommends redefining intimacy to include things like intimate touching and lots of foreplay.
1. He s too busy
It’s a cliché, but it’s true that new parents are often so busy that they don’t have time for anything else. Between naps, feedings, cleaning the house, work, and other family members, it can be hard to find time for each other, let alone sex. In fact, lack of sleep can have a negative impact on libido, so it’s not surprising that some couples find it difficult to spark desire once the baby is born.
However, just because he’s too busy doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you or isn’t attracted to you. In fact, it’s important to make intimacy a priority in the wake of a newborn. This could mean spending more time touching and kissing each other throughout the day, or using plenty of foreplay when you do want to have sex.
It’s also important to remember that it can take a long time for new moms and dads to get back into the groove of their relationship after a baby. Don’t give up too quickly, and try to focus on the parts of your relationship that are still going well.
2. He s afraid of hurting you
A man might feel he will hurt his wife if he tries to rekindle their love for each other sexually. This could be a result of his own experiences in his family of origin. He may have seen his mum or dad fight, or even separate, due to sex problems. He might also be worried that if he and his wife have sex then they will become less close as a couple because of the increased focus on parenting.
The physical recovery following pregnancy and childbirth can take its toll on both mother and father. Many new mothers experience a drop in their libido, and this is usually triggered by the release of prolactin during breastfeeding. Other reasons include shear physical exhaustion, the fact that they associate sex with pregnancy, and that their bodies are not the same as before.
If your partner isn’t ready to have sex, be supportive. Explain that you are both exhausted and that it is a time of transition. If you have a good relationship, this is likely to pass. If not, then it is worth talking to your GP about the issue.
3. He s worried about the baby
Sometimes new fathers can feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of their newborn. They may be worried that they’re not doing enough or that their partner doesn’t want them in the way they used to. This can cause them to withdraw and take their energy away from the relationship, which is a recipe for disaster. However, the thing to remember is that your husband’s fears are normal. After all, he saw your pregnant belly and witnessed your labor and delivery, so he’s probably just as scared of hurting you as you are of him.
In addition, he might also be worried that the baby isn’t doing well. This is particularly common if your husband is the first one to become a parent in his family. He might have been coached in antenatal classes to be the primary carer for the baby, but he’s not yet experienced with this role. Regardless, you can help him by listening to his concerns with empathy and letting him know that he doesn’t have to face this alone. He will be more likely to get involved if he feels heard.
4. He s worried about your relationship
Having a baby is a huge responsibility and many new parents find that their relationship gets strained as they adjust to this change. Often, the husband is left feeling overlooked and he may be worried that your lack of interest in sex means you don’t want to stay together.
For this reason, it’s important to be honest with your partner about how you feel and listen to their concerns too. It can also help to remind them that you still love and fancy each other, even if intimacy isn’t currently on the agenda. Try to find other ways to connect and share your feelings of love and intimacy, like spending time in close contact throughout the day (hold hands, cuddle, kiss each other), going for a walk with your baby in their pram or having dinner together.
Mismatched libidos are a common problem for couples post-baby, and how you handle it can either do irreparable damage to your relationship or make it stronger than ever before. Just remember, whatever happens, it’s not his fault, and he’s still the man you fell in love with.
The most important thing is to take things slowly and don’t be tempted to push him to have sex. Find other ways to connect, and he’ll likely return the favour and you can work through this impasse together.
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