BDSM is an expansive world and it can be scary to jump into. But it can also be amazing, fun, and healing.
Dom/sub dynamics play a huge role in BDSM, but it’s important to communicate boundaries and hard limits, too. Great communication can also help set up a safety word for when things get intense.
1. Know Yourself
The BDSM world is vast and incredibly diverse. It encompasses countless subcultures, rooted in things like fetishes and political affiliations, as well as identities like race, gender, and sexual orientation.
As such, it can be difficult for beginners to figure out how to navigate this terrain. But it is possible, if you’re prepared to approach the exploration with a certain level of honesty and openness.
It’s important to understand the basic interpersonal dynamics that make up BDSM, such as dominants and submissives, sadists and masochists. Essentially, dominance is having power over others, while submissiveness involves relinquishing power. Sadism is the enjoyment of inflicting pain or suffering, while masochism is the enjoyment of experiencing it.
Once you understand these fundamentals, it’s time to start exploring. This is a journey that’s ideally enjoyable and illuminating, so be sure to communicate with your partner about your interests and boundaries from the outset. The best way to do this is through a process called negotiation, where you both state what you’re comfortable with and what you want out of the scene.
2. Talk to Your Partner
Talking to your partner is a vital step, no matter what your relationship status. This will help them understand if they are comfortable exploring this aspect of kink.
It is recommended to begin this conversation in a neutral setting, such as a cafe or bar (less pressure) or a room at home that isn’t the bedroom. Introduce yourself and state what the purpose of this chat is. Be open about your feelings – you might be nervous, scared, excited or aroused.
Explain what your kinks are and why they turn you on. You might want to start with something more mainstream, such as spankings, as these are more common and may be easier for a vanilla person to grasp.
During this discussion, set up safe words – a word that will signal to both of you that the scene must stop. You can use any word, and some people in the kink community even have multiple safe words. This will help both of you feel confident in this situation, and it will drive the importance of consent and communication home.
3. Know Your Limits
Whether you play as a sub or Dom, knowing your limits is an essential part of BDSM. It helps both parties understand the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not, and increases the chances of a safe, happy experience for everyone involved. You don’t need to draw up a contract à la Fifty Shades of Grey, but it is recommended that you clearly communicate your limits, both hard and soft.
Hard limits are things that you will not do under any circumstances, such as force, pain, or age regression. Soft limits are activities that you may be hesitant about, but would be willing to explore under certain conditions or after building trust.
One way to determine your limits is by creating a checklist. This can be a simple list on paper or in your journal. Write down the things that drew you to kinky sex or BDSM, and rate them by how comfortable you are with them. You can also use a traffic light system that lets you know what your limits are at any given moment.
4. Set Up Safe Words
Many people use safe words during kink and roleplay scenes to let their partners know what they’re comfortable with. This allows them to explore kinks and fantasies they may not have tried before or that aren’t necessarily appropriate for their partner.
These can be a series of letters like “Green,” “Yellow” and “Red,” or they can be specific to the scene. For example, if your partner is playing with you and feels uncomfortable they can call out “Yellow” to signal that they need to slow down the intensity of their play or that they’re feeling too much pain or emotional discomfort.
Using a physical tap out can also be effective, especially if you’re gagged or there are other circumstances that make a verbal safe word ineffective such as disability or a heightened emotional or mental state. This could be as simple as tapping your bed or your shoulder, a repetitive motion such as winking or crossing your fingers, or even something more elaborate such as a visual cue like a piece of fruit. Whatever you choose it should be easy to remember and distinct enough that your partner can’t miss it.
5. Know What You Want
When starting bdsm, it’s important to know what you want. This includes what kind of play you like (dominant/submissive, pain play, orgasms, etc.), as well as how you want to feel during and after BDSM. This will help you and your partner find the right dynamics for your experience.
For example, if you want to explore a dom/sub dynamic but your partner isn’t a fan of pain, don’t push it. Shouting or pushing may scare them off of BDSM altogether, or at the very least make it uncomfortable for both of you. If this is a concern, try using safe words to pause the scene.
BDSM isn’t for everyone, so it’s best to take things slowly and be honest with your partner. This will prevent them from getting hurt and makes for a more satisfying and enjoyable experience. And remember, aftercare is non-negotiable. This can include cuddling, massages, showers, ice packs, or even eating food! It’s important to be clear and upfront about what you want so that both of you can enjoy your kink adventures.
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