For some people, middle of the night sex can be hot and sexy. But for others, it can be frustrating and even scary.
It’s one thing to talk and walk in your sleep, but it’s another to engage in sexual behavior while asleep. This is known as sexsomnia, and it raises a number of concerns.
1. You’re horny
When people are horny, they want to experience sexual pleasure. It is natural to want sex when you are turned on, and having sex in the middle of the night can be a great way to satisfy that need.
Men will often get nocturnal erections and their testosterone levels increase as the night goes on. This can lead to them getting horny in the middle of the night and wanting to have sex with you. If you notice that your partner is rubbing their penis or pubes against their skin, blushing, biting their lips or having hard nipples, it’s a good sign they are down to have sex with you.
You can also tell if someone is horny when they hold your gaze for a long time, or if their pupils are dilated. If a woman is doing any of these things, it’s a good sign she’s horny and wants to touch you. She may even start moaning or groaning while they sleep. You can try to arouse them by rubbing their back, stroking their face or touching their nipples or penis to see what happens.
2. You’re sleepy
While sexy middle of the night sex sounds great to some people, it can be a sign that something is wrong. If your partner is only doing sex in the middle of the night, there may be an underlying problem like drug and alcohol abuse, fatigue, or even sleep disorders like insomnia.
Researchers aren’t sure exactly what causes sexsomnia, but it can occur during non-REM sleep, similar to sleepwalking or teeth grinding, Mangan says. During these episodes, known as “confusion arousals,” people may fondle or masturbate themselves while asleep, make sexual noises, and even have intercourse.
Oftentimes, the partners of people with this sleep disorder will wake up afterward, feeling like they had an orgasm. It’s important to talk to your doctor about it if you think you might have sexsomnia and that the behavior is disrupting your relationship. Depending on what you find out, your doctor may recommend treating the underlying issue or taking certain medications that can help with the symptoms. You may also be able to change your sleeping habits or take precautions to avoid triggers.
3. You’re selfish
Sometimes, it can be really tempting to wake up your boo and get it on in the middle of the night. It’s a great way to get them going, and you don’t have to worry about being too tired or having to go to work in the morning.
However, if you’re constantly waking up your boo in the middle of the night just to have sex, it’s probably not good for your relationship. It’s a little selfish, and you should really consider whether or not it’s something you want to do long-term.
Plus, if you’re both horny, it could be a lot more fun to have sex in the daytime or before bedtime so that you can both get orgasms and feel excited about each other throughout the rest of the day. After all, saving sex for lights-out time could be a big turn-off if you’re both exhausted and resentful by the end of it. Plus, it may just make you less interested in having sex altogether. A little variety is always a good thing!
4. You’re bored
Boredom is a common complaint I hear from clients in my sex therapy practice. It often masks underlying issues, like power struggles, unresolved conflict, feeling underappreciated, physical aftereffects of childbirth, feelings of disconnectedness, and other emotional challenges that can rob you of the thrill of intimacy.
Sometimes it’s the little things that can bring lust back, such as turning up the music, adding more sensation (like rubbing ice on your genitals), or introducing new sexual activities, like blindfolding, experimenting with temperature, and exploring the pleasures of touch. In many cases, sex becomes boring because you’ve become accustomed to the stimulation.
If this is the case, it’s important to address the issue and find ways to break the boredom by communicating with your partner, working through emotional challenges, seeking a sex therapist, or finding other ways to ignite that flame of lust and passion. But whatever the issue, boredom isn’t an indication that your relationship is failing. It’s a sign that you need to grow. So don’t be afraid to turn up the heat — it could be your sexiest move yet!
5. You’re a jerk
It might sound harsh, but if you’re having sex with your partner in the middle of the night without their consent or discussing it ahead of time, then yeah, you might be a jerk. According to a Canadian study, up to 11 percent of men have masturbated, fondled, or even had oral and full-on intercourse while sleeping. Oftentimes, they don’t remember anything about it the next morning.
But if you’re super affectionate with your partner in the middle of the night, surprise them with a little token to show how much they mean to you, massage the area they mentioned was sore earlier that day, and whisper how amazing they are to you in their ear — then you’re probably not a jerk.
The word jerk originally meant bumpkin ignorance, and it still can describe someone who doesn’t appreciate the value of others’ ideas and is dismissive of their beliefs or desires. The more jerkish qualities of a person tend to be subtle, though, so it’s important to pay attention and look for patterns.
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